Historically, I am a private person. My online presence is limited to my canine babies. I’m not one to share my emotions, details of my life, nor am I a hugger. I’ve got a tough exterior. What am I trying to hide? Perhaps my perception of life’s downs has influenced me to the point of retreat. I don’t like getting close to people. There’s too much at stake. I’m a lone wolf. Maybe that comes from being a latchkey kid. It was always me myself and I. My mom did her best. She worked hard. Gave me what she could. But I shutdown at the thought of a social gathering. Maybe that’s because I never really interacted much with others when I was young. I was picked on at school. Easy target. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Sensitive. They took advantage of that like wolves on the hunt. A child can only handle so much before they shut down. I was the fat friend. I was the single mother friend. I was the smart friend. The last one if my favorite. It continued into high school…I was the friend everyone said they’d be with while in reality they were out partying. The parents trusted me. Make no mistake, I value that trait to this day. But for a lone wolf trying to make it in this world, that need for belonging really catapulted me to the person I am today, all the while never compromising who I was. It wasn’t until college, and then my working days, that I felt a sense of respect and acceptance. Yes, I am worthy. Today, I share.
My mornings can turn hectic. They start out calm and relaxed, but as the morning progresses, the anxiety does, too. I’ve read that cortisol is high in the morning. Cortisol causes anxiety. Or does anxiety cause cortisol? Either way, the raging tiger emerges. It’s best for the sake of everyone, that I put my self interests aside as soon as the house awakens. There’s another tip I’m trying….. to forgo my cup(s) of coffee. Caffeine causes cortisol. Or does it cause Anxiety? Either way, caffeine and anxiety don’t mix. (Neither does alcohol – I figured that out a long time ago – so I don’t drink.) I’ve come to the conclusion that
anxiety <> cortisol <> caffeine
are all interchangeable as far as I’m concerned and I must stop this vicious cycle. I drink lemon water. Warm lemon water. Maybe with a sprinkle of cinnamon and ginger. Focus on family. Be present. Sip the goodness. Now we’re heading in the right direction….today, I make swaps.
I have been struggling with anxiety for some time. In my mid-thirties, I knew my body was just not right…so off to the doctor I went…after some testing, I had a clean bill of physical health and a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. Pop a pill, feel better. It’s that easy…right? Ha! All it did was make me feel numb, not the life I want to live. So I made changes. Day by day. One thing at a time. Have you seen the movie Groundhog Day? I can’t bear to watch it to the end. The drudgery is painstaking. But, that’s my life…the same thing day after day. I’ve heard the movie is very enlightening…small changes add up to big things. So that’s what I’m going to do. See if I make a small change every day, if it will add up to big things. Today, I put on lipstick…
So everyone’s talking about the rage that is yoga. I thought I’d give it a try, so off to a beginner’s workshop I go. I learned a lot, but not sure how this was going to help me make it through the day. The week’s misgivings pile up, Friday rolls around, I decompress (somewhat) on Saturday, and then the anxiety sets in on Sunday for the new work week to begin…and do it all over again. Ugh! Yoga is supposed to make all of this change, just like that? Well, not exactly the rose colored experience I had. First of all, yoga is expensive. I dabbled here and there, bought passes on sale, went when I could, searched for free classes. It wasn’t working. I’ve found for it to be effective, I need to attend a minimum of two classes a week, at $15 a pop, and a single-income family, not sure how this is going to sustain itself. I was always searching for the next studio, the next deal…and then I had an epiphany during a yoga class, no less. I am right here where I need to be. I would never had made it to that point if it wasn’t for one yoga teacher. I’ve since thanked her for the impact she had in my life. Five little words. “You have a beautiful practice”. That’s when I got it. That’s when I knew what it was all about. That’s when I knew I had to make the commitment. And so I did. While I still look to cash-in on the deals, I make it a point to attend no less than two classes per week. I also strive for a home practice, but the day often escapes me. I like going to class, being told what to do, how to do it, and reaping the rewards. Today, I practice yoga.
…Relaxation is who you are.
Fall is upon us, thankfully. I’m ready to put summer and all its expectations behind me. But that’s for another day….Cool temps. Raindrops falling. Leaves rustling. Those are some of my favorite things! No guilt. No excuses. No expectations. Just lazy days spent relaxing. Writing. Reading. Making soup. I love the pace of Fall. A time of change. A time to be free. Less commitments. Less feeling guilty for wanting, needing, pining for a day to do nothing. It always seems to happen naturally this time of year. Most people are just wrapped up in the fact that PSL is available again. (If you don’t know what that means – good for you!) Personally, I appreciate the coolers temps, the lazy days, the relaxation and rest that accompanies a cool, Autumn day. Today, I embrace Fall
What’s your favorite season?
Negativity surrounds me. How can I be happy and foster a positive attitude when everyone else is negative? Family, coworkers, store clerks…everyone seems to carry a chip on their shoulder. It can be all-consuming just to overcome the negativity I encounter on a daily basis. It is so hard to be positive/upbeat/optimistic when everyone around me is exactly the opposite. Well, I’ve had enough! I want to be positive. I want to be upbeat. I want to be optimistic. THEREFORE, I WILL.
Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.
At home, I’ve enacted a grateful practice. Every time a family member says a negative comment about themselves, others, the world, they then must say something they are grateful for. For example, if I state “that clerk was so slow”, then I must declare something I am grateful for “I love buying my fresh produce there”. My family moans and groans about this exercise, but I’m committed to cultivating a positive existence one negative comment at a time. Today, I am optimistic.
Today I let go. I let go of the uncertainty, I let go of the anxiety, I let go of the worry. And you know what happened? Everything worked out. The stars aligned and the universe spoke. All the issues causing me anxiety were resolved. All it took was letting go. My mind has been so busy in yoga lately. My body fidgeting. I wonder if the teachers notice? Of course they do…they speak to me. Relax. Release. Let it go. Acknowledge. Don’t judge. There’s definitely something to it. Bringing it off the mat and into my daily life is a challenge. And so I write. I write about my uncertainty. I write about my anxiety. I write about my worry. And you know what…I relax. I release. I let it go. I acknowledge. I don’t judge. And this is how I am learning to make it through the day. One day at a time. One breathe at a time. One passing thought at a time. Today, I let go.